When should couples try relationship counselling?

Every relationship goes through hard patches. Sometimes couples work things out on their own. Other times the same arguments keep coming back, or you start to feel more like housemates than partners.

Relationship counselling gives you both a structured, neutral space to understand what is happening and try new ways of relating. This guide covers the signs it may help, what sessions look like, what research shows, and when a different kind of help is the safer place to start.

What is relationship counselling?

Relationship counselling, also called couples counselling or couples therapy, is talking therapy for people in a relationship. It is for couples of any age, gender or sexuality, married or not, living together or apart. Some counsellors also work with people in relationships with more than two partners.

A counsellor does not take sides or decide who is right. Their role is to help you both understand the patterns you are stuck in, hear each other more clearly and practise new ways of responding.

This article is general information. Please speak with a qualified health professional about your own situation.

Signs it might be time

There is no single right moment. Counselling may help if you notice any of these:

• the same arguments happen again and again without being resolved
• conversations quickly turn into criticism, defensiveness or silence
• you feel lonely, distant or disconnected, even when you are together
• trust has been damaged, for example after an affair or broken promises
• you have very different wants around sex or intimacy
• you disagree about money, parenting, household roles or family
• a big change is putting pressure on you, such as a new baby, illness, job loss, moving, retirement or a blended family
• one or both of you is thinking about separating and you want clarity

Some couples come for a check-in before problems grow, such as before moving in together, getting married or having children. That is a perfectly good reason too.

If you have children, working on how you handle conflict can benefit the whole family. Children often notice tension at home, even when adults try to hide it. Learning to disagree calmly and repair after arguments shows them a healthy way to manage conflict in their own relationships.

What research shows

Is it ever too late?

You may have heard that couples wait an average of six years before seeking help, and that many come too late. A 2021 study of 270 couples found this figure was not well supported. The average time from the start of serious problems to beginning couples therapy was about 2.7 years, and most couples started within two years.

The researchers concluded there is little reason to be pessimistic about couples who seek help. Even so, earlier is often easier. Patterns that have run for a short time are usually less entrenched, and there is more goodwill to work with.

Does couples counselling work?

Research is encouraging. A 2020 meta-analysis pooled 58 studies involving 2,092 couples. It found that couple therapy had a large effect on relationship satisfaction, while couples on waitlists did not improve significantly. Therapy also improved communication, emotional closeness and partner behaviour, and gains were generally maintained over time.

The studies in that analysis only included opposite-sex couples, so more research is needed with LGBTQIA+ couples. Results also vary from couple to couple. Counselling tends to help most when both people are willing to take part honestly and try new things between sessions.

What happens in sessions

The first session

Your counsellor will explain how they work, confidentiality and what to expect. They will ask each of you what brings you in, how the relationship began and what you would like to be different. It is normal to feel nervous.

Individual sessions

Many counsellors meet with each partner on their own early on. This helps them understand each person’s view and check for safety. Ask your counsellor how they handle information shared in individual sessions, so there are no surprises.

Ongoing work

Sessions often focus on how you talk to each other during conflict, understanding the needs and feelings underneath arguments, rebuilding trust and closeness, and making practical agreements. You may be asked to try exercises at home.

The number of sessions varies. Some couples come for a few sessions to work on a specific issue. Others attend for longer. Your counsellor should review progress with you along the way.

Getting ready for your first session

• Think about what you each want to be different, in concrete terms.
• Agree not to use the session to win an argument.
• Be ready to hear things that are hard, and to share honestly yourself.
• Write down any questions about fees, confidentiality or how sessions work.

Choosing a counsellor

Look for someone with training and experience in couples work. Counsellors may draw on different approaches, such as emotionally focused therapy or the Gottman method, which focus on emotional connection and communication patterns. Feeling that the counsellor is fair to both of you matters more than the name of the method.

When joint counselling is not the right first step

Couples counselling is not recommended as the first response when there is family violence. This includes physical violence, threats, sexual violence, and coercive control, which is a pattern of behaviour that makes a person feel afraid, monitored or controlled.

In these situations, joint sessions can put the person experiencing harm at greater risk, and they may not feel safe to speak openly. Individual support and safety planning come first.

If you feel afraid of your partner, 1800RESPECT provides confidential support for people affected by domestic, family and sexual violence, 24 hours a day, on 1800 737 732. If you are in danger, call 000. For 24-hour crisis support call Lifeline on 13 11 14.

What if only one partner wants to go?

It is common for one person to be keener than the other. You can still book on your own. Individual counselling can help you understand your part in the pattern, communicate more clearly and decide what you want. Sometimes a partner feels more willing to join once they see it is not about blame.

If you decide to separate, counselling can help you do so with less conflict. For practical decisions about children and property, family mediation may help. Healthdirect also lists the Family Relationship Advice Line on 1800 050 321 for information about separation.

How Invictus Health can help

Invictus Health offers relationship counselling for couples and individuals, in person at our Preston clinic in Melbourne or by telehealth across Australia. Our counsellors are LGBTQIA+ affirming and work with relationships of all kinds.

If intimacy or sex is a concern, we also offer talk-based sex therapy. Relationship counselling is generally not covered by Medicare, so please check our fees page or contact us about costs.